FINAL Blog post for Family Relations:(:(:(

 I honestly don't remember a time that I have been SO sad to be done with a class, but this last week I felt like crying at the thought of that being our LAST normal class!!! I know that sounds incredibly dramatic and very unnecessary but because I have learned SO much about so many different topics (ALL of which have or will have significant relevance to my life) and because of the love, care and concern with which those topics were taught it really hit home to me it was all very REAL to me! Although I have learned so many things I realize all the more, how much I STILL DON’T KNOW! And that kind of scares me! It has motivated me to want to keep learning about how the family functions and how to respond positively to conflict and how to express feelings and communicate more effectively. I want to learn how to recognize unmet needs and know how to go about meeting those needs so that the recipient will know that they are loved and cared for and that they are IMPORTANT!

1. Having a more clear understanding of research and how to find the facts

2. How to “fall in love”/ Healthy dating habits and things to avoid

3. Differences in men and women and how those differences complement each other.

4. Same gender attraction

5. How family systems work and how important healthy relationships/clear boundaries are

6. Intimacy in marriage

7. CONSENSUS vs Compromise/ communication

8. Disciplining children

9. Stay-at-home Moms vs Working Moms-> Saving or losing money??

10. Learning about different experiences and to have compassion for others and not judge them.

11. Gaining knowledge on controversial topics and feeling better prepared and more capable of standing up for the truth and being able to defend it with facts and not just my beliefs and opinions.

Some of these things I knew I wanted to know more about, but a LOT of them, I had never even thought about or had given very little consideration to, so I was shocked at a lot of the things that I learned and am SO grateful to know now! Because I have learned all those things, I recognize other people doing the same kinds of things I probably would have done, had I not learned that it is better to do things a little differently! I will keep myself informed on these subjects and do my best to share my knowledge with others! THANK YOU Brother Williams for all of your time and effort that has been put into teaching us this semester! It is plain to see that you LOVE helping people and helping people find peace in their lives! Thank you for that example!

Separation/Divorce & Remarriage/Blended Families

Separation/Divorce & Remarriage/Blended Families

This week’s topics were really heartbreaking for me. As we discussed the negative effects of divorce and the potential problems that can and typically do arise when divorced parents remarry, I hurt for those people who have experienced these heartaches! I have a few members in my family who have suffered from the effects of divorce and have had to make lots of adjustments to their lives because of it. Although it has definitely been a challenge to all those involved, I feel that our situations are at the mild end of the spectrum in comparison with the experiences that were shared in class and the family that we studied. Learning about the family system and how essential healthy family boundaries are has been really influential in my life by how I see the world and how I approach and seek to resolve problems. I feel that it is a great tool that if utilized, can help you detect the red flags in a relationship that you or a loved one is in, and to stop things before they go too far. Knowing how family systems work can and acting on that knowledge can save marriages and families in so many ways! But from what we see in the world today, divorce and blended families are becoming the norm not the exception. Therefore it is necessary to address ways to cope with the challenges of blending families. Some of the tips for blended families to be aware of were:

1)      It takes a minimum of 2 years to gain normalcy. (That doesn’t mean everything will be “just the way it was before” or that things will be perfect! I just means that the members involved will be more able to predict behavior and know how to respond appropriately.)

2)      The birth parent should be the one to give heavy discipline to the children

3)      The step parent should be more like a good/great aunt or uncle to the children (So they should be supportive of birth parent but listen and sympathize with the child).

4)      New remarried couples should conference with each other DAILY behind closed doors. (They need to discuss how things are going, what changes need to happen and I think there should be emphasis on the “CLOSED DOORS”. The discussions need to be between the new spouses, not in front of the children and not including any other family members so that the spouses can learn to rely on one another and make things work.)

(from the book, “Helping the Remarried Family”)

I felt that those tips were very interesting and insightful! I can definitely see how following those steps consistently could really make a difference for the better! I am grateful for this knowledge! I hope to never have to experience divorce, but I hope that I can use this knowledge to be a source of support and comfort to those that have experienced divorce and blending families. 

Fathers: Do we really need them?

This week we talked about Fathers and finance. As we discussed the role of the father in the home and the great importance of his presence. A father figure in the home and family is irreplaceable. Children who grow up without such a figure to look up to and follow their example have significant disadvantages in their lives,  financially amd emotionally. In our discussions about the father in the home we talked about how his influence far surpasses the fact that he provides for the family. As we examined these topics, I found myself pondering my experiences with my own father and I was filled with gratitude and love for my sweet Daddy! He is a good man and he fulfilled his role so well! He was so good to our Mom! He was a hard worker at work as well as at home. He taught us by example and instruction, how to do the same in our own lives. He was firm in his discipline but yet he was merciful when the situation called for it as well.
He and my mom almost never faught! He was always respectful to her and there was absolutely no tolerance for us kids treating her with disrespect.
If I had grown up without my fathers influence and love,  I would be a very different person and far worse off I'm afraid! From the studies we've discussed in class and from my own experiences I know that good loving Fathers are essential to the family for full productivity and happiness.

Communication: Only words???

This week's topic for class was "Communication". It is pretty interesting topic, something that we as people need to be much better educated on. Miscommunication is at the root of so many isssues, ESPECIALLY in relationships! A common phrase that is all too true states,
"HOW you say something is much more important than WHAT you say." I'm sure all of us can relate to a time when someone said something to you in a way that the words they used did not at reflect what they were really meaning to say. Especially in todays world where some much of our humor and entertainment come from sarcasm. Where sarcasm really can seem wotty and give a crowd a good laugh, its effects ate far reaching. It can cause so much confusion because the communication channels are sending contradictory messages! Some people's confidence can be crushed if they take seriously what people say to them sarcastically.  Their ability to trust is weakened and cause people to build walls internally. This is just a few of the negative effects of bad communication.

We communicate in more ways than just using words! There are 2 groups,
VERBAL (*Words *Tone)
NON VERBAL (*Posture *Facial expression *Eye contact)
Which one do you think speaks the loudest? You might be surprised to know, as I was, what the percentage of communication is for each of those areas. One study said this
*****
WORDS: 14%
TONES: 35%
NON VERBAL: 51%
*****
I don't know about you but I thought that was pretty interesting! What I thought was even more interesting is the statement that our teacher made as we were discussing this particular part of our "communication" discussion. He asked a question,  something along the lines of, "If these percentages are true what does that mean for texting and social media? Are we missing 85% of the message? ?  *(100%-35% [tones]-51% [nonverbal]cues=85% of message GONE)
I feel like that is something for all of us to be aware of! I just want to make sure that I am more careful in my communication! I want to say what I mean. Being sensitive to others feelings of course but being honest and not sarcastic. And I want to be better at communicating in person as much as possible so avoid those misinterpretations that are so easy to stumble on as we cut of our lines of communication!

This week we’ve talked about preparing for marriage. Every girl’s dream right;P?! Haha but really I’m not going to lie, I think about it all the time! It’s the BIGGEST decision I will ever make, especially with an eternal perspective! Having said that, this week’s discussions have been extremely enlightening! It made me think about things I would have never considered otherwise and helped me know what is healthy and what is not. For example, I learned that according to research on how happy/successful/lasting a marriage is, you should only spend $500-$2,000 dollars on a ring and only about $1,000 on the wedding. Also, it is wise for a couple to plan the wedding together and not exclude one or the other (EX the girl planning the wedding with her mother and not involving her fiancé). Another interesting thing was that it is unhealthy for all relationships involved for the parents of the couple getting married to pay for the wedding. The begging of their marriage is a crucial time for the newly wed to bond and grow closer together. If they are concerned with paying the debt back to their parents, they potentially will spend less time, energy, and focus on their relationship. But that is not the only relationship that could be strained. Once you have barrowed that money from your parents, your relationship with them changes, you are now indebted to them and it can sometimes cause unnecessary conflict. I have never wanted to have a big wild wedding or spend a lot of money on things, but I assumed that my parents would help with things and I didn’t really think much of it, but this really makes sense to me why it might not be the best choice to do that! I am grateful to have learned a little more about how to be prepared for when that time in my life comesJ!

Dating?

I have learned a LOT about dating this week, what is healthy and what is not and its funny that what’s NOT healthy seems to be the norm nowadays… MAINLY Hanging out is not good because it causes more competition. Think about it, you’re at a party and you’ve got your eye on the cutie in the corner across the room. You make eye contact and he even smiles at you! And then later in the evening you catch him stealing a glance again and now you’re really excited! But THEN this beautiful stranger just waltzes in and starts flirting with the very guy that has been making eyes at you. She’s cute funny and flirting profusely. It’s clear that she has his full attention now. So now you’re stuck trying to think of ways to get back in the game! And that’s all it is! Just a big fat frustrating game! If he’d just asked you out on a date things would be fine! You’d have his full attention and you wouldn’t be worried about the other girls because everyone knows the dating rules, when you’re on a date you’re committed to that person for the time-being and that’s that. But on the other hand, in a hanging out situation there is zero commitment, those glances and smiles mean nothing as soon as someone else walks in and succeeds in grabbing his attention. So moral of the story, hanging out is NOT the best way to find a potential spouse! That was important for me to learn!  

Gender Roles

This week we talked about gender roles. Ive always thought there were differences between males and females but I never thought much more about it. I grew up in a home where my parents fulfilled the traditional roles: Dad as the bread winner, changed the oil on the car and worked in the yard. Mom was the the homemaker, cooked meals, took care of us kids and the house. That was normal for me but as I grew up I saw families do things differently and I didnt think much of it. As I have learned more about the family and how we best function it makes sense that moms typically stay home and dads go to work. Like is said before, I knew there were differences between men and women but the WHY really clicked with me when we talked about it in class! Women are able to be aware of multiple things at once and therefore best equiped to watch over children and different things at home at one time. Men on the other hand are able to hyper focus on one thing making them very successful in the work place, but not just that! With his ability to focus on one thing at a time, when he finally does come home he is better able to leave work at work and focus on his family! How neat is that?! I belive that our gender roles are divinely appointed! We can do things "our way" and they might turn out "ok", but I dont want to just "get by", I want to to the very BEST that I can at raising a family and I believe that to achieve that I must embrace and fulfill my role as a woman!